OK, Tiger Woods....
Women are coming out of the "woodwork" to claim affairs with Tiger. The TMZ targeted Rachel Uchitel (who probably has the most to gain given her profession of hostess and fixer to celebs), flatly denies it. The rest ... is Tiger some master-Lothario? Don't you think that he would have been busted LONG before this, the world's most famous and richest athlete? I do. But that would not stop a jealous and suspicious wife from assuming the worst, even a wife far "hotter" than the putative mistresses. But then again ... that voicemail sure sounds like him!
So what happened? If Tiger is playing the field ... it could be for a variety of reasons: (1) he is physically "abandoned" at home; (2) he can't keep his pecker in his pants and has done this all along -- he's an @@@hole; (3) acute 7 year-itch; (4) Elin is highly unpleasant to live with; (5) a pecker has no conscience -- it was just convenient friction to him (see points 2 and 3); he was actually lonely while on the road. If there is no love and affection at home -- for whatever the reason, people will stray. And of course there are narcissists who just do as they please anyway -- and the more famous the person, the likelier we are to see this happen.
What happened that night? Let's say Elin reads this sh*t in the Supermarket (if she shops herself -- which is highly dubious) or on some trash entertainment TV show (likely). Maybe she even finds data on his phone (pretty stupid to leave a trial unless you WANT to get caught). She festers about this ... confronts Tiger who laughs at her. THAT, my friends, can send almost any woman berserk -- even when that is the most natural response from guy to guy when confronted with complete bullsh*t -- or when trying to hide something -- or when you are past caring. So we have a classic male/female confrontation brewing.
Why at 2 am? Because that is when the female dam(n) bursts. They can't sleep anymore because of worry and stress caused by the spectre of unfaithfulness, this "cheating." So, it's "wake up, you cheating a@@hole and speak to me." More disrespectful words follow from Tiger -- likely typical male responses to being woken up to defend himself from utter crap (or even true crap, but not the time or place) and a hot-tempered wife freaks. An attack ensues ... women go for the face (what's up with that; they have particular phrases for that in the ghetto -- even Tiger is alleged to have said "she went ghetto on me"; I prosecuted a case where two teen girls in Brooklyn went after each other's faces with razors and box cutters on a subway platform) -- anyway Elin goes for the face, but Tiger fends her off. Tiger thinks ... "get the hell out of Dodge."
So he grabs keys having barely had time to don shirt and pants and runs for the door. Elin, meanwhile, is so frikkin angry that she starts looking for a weapon, anything, to hurt him -- Tiger is seriously large and strong -- and finds ... a golf club. Who would have thunk that? A golf club in Tiger's house? Tiger, making a bee-line for his chariot, now has to fend off golf club strikes -- that is serious business -- because Elin has in effect gone temporarily insane.
Tiger, have woken to an attack, still dazed and without shoes gets into his Caddy SUV. He may have been hit multiple times by Elin and her golf club by this point. He starts backing out of the driveway, but Elin blocks it holding that f-ing club, so Tiger swerves on the way back and hits the fire hydrant. Elin gets in a good one to the right side of the Caddy. Can't go back any further, so he tries going forward, but Elin is again blocking, so Tiger guns it to swerve around her and gain access to the street, but as she moves and he attempts to avoid her, he whacks the tree and also his head, etc. inside the SUV (because he is surely not buckled in, when the car hits the immovable object, that which is not fixed inside continues forwards -- into the dash. And that would be Tiger. Elin, in the meanwhile took another swipe at the SUV with the club as it went past her -- getting window #2. Now completely dazed, Tiger either: (a) sits there as Elin gains entry to the car and drags him out ... to (do what?); or (b) escapes the car - to fall in front of it as he tries to escape further attack, or is attacked again. I like permutation (b) ... it fits the evidence a lot better.
Elin at some point falls back to Earth from orbit, seeing what has happened is now is an unusual situation. She has demonstrably attacked Tiger and his car (you do not knock out the rear windows to gain access to someone in the front seat), Tiger's face is a mess such as could not happen in a relatively minor car bender. Tiger is the most private person in sports, nothing can explain this and he had not even been drinking. Maybe prescription meds, but that makes Tiger's attack even more unlikely. Maybe Elin was hammered on booze? Tiger goes to hospital. And they are not talking -- so far -- although the State Police made motions to get a subpoena for the medical records. She may even feel justified ... but the correct response if you can't live with that person anymore is divorce, not attempted homicide.
How do we know this fact pattern to be more probable than not? Because Tiger will not show his face or body or even meet the police. You see, in some states, Florida for example, the police will pursue domestic violence cases even where the complaining witness won't: there is always the fear of intimidation on the part of the abused. Tiger, abused? From what we know of his upbringing and his parents, it is highly unlikely that Tiger would strike back. If he did, Elin would either be dead or a mess, one blow.
So Tiger is in the position of not wanting to "shop" his wife, probably in fear of further attacks (I will make sure it never happens again), anxious to protect his children both now and from future rumour, and cannot even attend his own tournament this weekend -- those facial bruises and cuts will show. Maybe golf-club damage to the body prevents his swing ... failure to be able to swing a club in public would confirm bodily attack. It sure would not help the commercial value of "Tiger, Inc."
A mess, then. But how can he be charged with reckless driving by the Police (the only charge they have been able to throw at his) ...he never made it to the public roads? Of course, it depends on the statutes in FL, how they are phrased, but surely you have the right to hit stuff with your car on your property -- maybe he owes the muni for the hydrant? But they know Tiger will not defend against the charge ... he might have to answer questions and more publicity is not what he needs now. So they get a grape leaf to hide their frustration.
Elin ... will be very lucky to escape prosecution at the hands of the law. If it turns out Tiger was out there playing "away games", many women will shake their hands in understanding, but also with unease at getting so unhinged. If Tiger was faithful, start looking for bunnies in the pot and unpleasant things in the bathtub. Either way, Elin looks fragile, to say the least.
It also shows that no matter how much money you have, you can have problems too: if you accept that everyone's horizon has a certain need to recognize trouble ... what might be completely, insanely minor for you or I takes on (even rationally) a huge significance to someone else. If all you have to do in life is read "Us" magazine, then fact that your spouse leaves socks on the floor is a massive insult, a body blow to you everytime he/she does it. If you are secluded (The Woods family is intensely private), your whole perspective of reality changes. Elin might well come to believe the press -- in the absence of reality. Think about it, what if we believed every time that Us, People, Enquirer reported Brad Pitt cheated on Angelina Jolie? Or she may have decided the cheating bastard needed a little something to "wake up."
Maybe Elin is dumb as a rock and crazy to go with it? Maybe not. We know there is nothing dumb or crazy about Tiger, although I am inclined to believe that he would not get caught in something so tawdry as an affair with a waitress, leaving her voicemails, etc. Tiger has "people" who can handle all that sort of stuff -- his IMG handlers would surely have taken care of this?
So what happened? If Tiger is playing the field ... it could be for a variety of reasons: (1) he is physically "abandoned" at home; (2) he can't keep his pecker in his pants and has done this all along -- he's an @@@hole; (3) acute 7 year-itch; (4) Elin is highly unpleasant to live with; (5) a pecker has no conscience -- it was just convenient friction to him (see points 2 and 3); he was actually lonely while on the road. If there is no love and affection at home -- for whatever the reason, people will stray. And of course there are narcissists who just do as they please anyway -- and the more famous the person, the likelier we are to see this happen.
What happened that night? Let's say Elin reads this sh*t in the Supermarket (if she shops herself -- which is highly dubious) or on some trash entertainment TV show (likely). Maybe she even finds data on his phone (pretty stupid to leave a trial unless you WANT to get caught). She festers about this ... confronts Tiger who laughs at her. THAT, my friends, can send almost any woman berserk -- even when that is the most natural response from guy to guy when confronted with complete bullsh*t -- or when trying to hide something -- or when you are past caring. So we have a classic male/female confrontation brewing.
Why at 2 am? Because that is when the female dam(n) bursts. They can't sleep anymore because of worry and stress caused by the spectre of unfaithfulness, this "cheating." So, it's "wake up, you cheating a@@hole and speak to me." More disrespectful words follow from Tiger -- likely typical male responses to being woken up to defend himself from utter crap (or even true crap, but not the time or place) and a hot-tempered wife freaks. An attack ensues ... women go for the face (what's up with that; they have particular phrases for that in the ghetto -- even Tiger is alleged to have said "she went ghetto on me"; I prosecuted a case where two teen girls in Brooklyn went after each other's faces with razors and box cutters on a subway platform) -- anyway Elin goes for the face, but Tiger fends her off. Tiger thinks ... "get the hell out of Dodge."
So he grabs keys having barely had time to don shirt and pants and runs for the door. Elin, meanwhile, is so frikkin angry that she starts looking for a weapon, anything, to hurt him -- Tiger is seriously large and strong -- and finds ... a golf club. Who would have thunk that? A golf club in Tiger's house? Tiger, making a bee-line for his chariot, now has to fend off golf club strikes -- that is serious business -- because Elin has in effect gone temporarily insane.
Tiger, have woken to an attack, still dazed and without shoes gets into his Caddy SUV. He may have been hit multiple times by Elin and her golf club by this point. He starts backing out of the driveway, but Elin blocks it holding that f-ing club, so Tiger swerves on the way back and hits the fire hydrant. Elin gets in a good one to the right side of the Caddy. Can't go back any further, so he tries going forward, but Elin is again blocking, so Tiger guns it to swerve around her and gain access to the street, but as she moves and he attempts to avoid her, he whacks the tree and also his head, etc. inside the SUV (because he is surely not buckled in, when the car hits the immovable object, that which is not fixed inside continues forwards -- into the dash. And that would be Tiger. Elin, in the meanwhile took another swipe at the SUV with the club as it went past her -- getting window #2. Now completely dazed, Tiger either: (a) sits there as Elin gains entry to the car and drags him out ... to (do what?); or (b) escapes the car - to fall in front of it as he tries to escape further attack, or is attacked again. I like permutation (b) ... it fits the evidence a lot better.
Elin at some point falls back to Earth from orbit, seeing what has happened is now is an unusual situation. She has demonstrably attacked Tiger and his car (you do not knock out the rear windows to gain access to someone in the front seat), Tiger's face is a mess such as could not happen in a relatively minor car bender. Tiger is the most private person in sports, nothing can explain this and he had not even been drinking. Maybe prescription meds, but that makes Tiger's attack even more unlikely. Maybe Elin was hammered on booze? Tiger goes to hospital. And they are not talking -- so far -- although the State Police made motions to get a subpoena for the medical records. She may even feel justified ... but the correct response if you can't live with that person anymore is divorce, not attempted homicide.
How do we know this fact pattern to be more probable than not? Because Tiger will not show his face or body or even meet the police. You see, in some states, Florida for example, the police will pursue domestic violence cases even where the complaining witness won't: there is always the fear of intimidation on the part of the abused. Tiger, abused? From what we know of his upbringing and his parents, it is highly unlikely that Tiger would strike back. If he did, Elin would either be dead or a mess, one blow.
So Tiger is in the position of not wanting to "shop" his wife, probably in fear of further attacks (I will make sure it never happens again), anxious to protect his children both now and from future rumour, and cannot even attend his own tournament this weekend -- those facial bruises and cuts will show. Maybe golf-club damage to the body prevents his swing ... failure to be able to swing a club in public would confirm bodily attack. It sure would not help the commercial value of "Tiger, Inc."
A mess, then. But how can he be charged with reckless driving by the Police (the only charge they have been able to throw at his) ...he never made it to the public roads? Of course, it depends on the statutes in FL, how they are phrased, but surely you have the right to hit stuff with your car on your property -- maybe he owes the muni for the hydrant? But they know Tiger will not defend against the charge ... he might have to answer questions and more publicity is not what he needs now. So they get a grape leaf to hide their frustration.
Elin ... will be very lucky to escape prosecution at the hands of the law. If it turns out Tiger was out there playing "away games", many women will shake their hands in understanding, but also with unease at getting so unhinged. If Tiger was faithful, start looking for bunnies in the pot and unpleasant things in the bathtub. Either way, Elin looks fragile, to say the least.
It also shows that no matter how much money you have, you can have problems too: if you accept that everyone's horizon has a certain need to recognize trouble ... what might be completely, insanely minor for you or I takes on (even rationally) a huge significance to someone else. If all you have to do in life is read "Us" magazine, then fact that your spouse leaves socks on the floor is a massive insult, a body blow to you everytime he/she does it. If you are secluded (The Woods family is intensely private), your whole perspective of reality changes. Elin might well come to believe the press -- in the absence of reality. Think about it, what if we believed every time that Us, People, Enquirer reported Brad Pitt cheated on Angelina Jolie? Or she may have decided the cheating bastard needed a little something to "wake up."
Maybe Elin is dumb as a rock and crazy to go with it? Maybe not. We know there is nothing dumb or crazy about Tiger, although I am inclined to believe that he would not get caught in something so tawdry as an affair with a waitress, leaving her voicemails, etc. Tiger has "people" who can handle all that sort of stuff -- his IMG handlers would surely have taken care of this?
posted by Zaphod at Wednesday, December 02, 2009
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