Profiling

Let's face it, we all profile. Everyday, all day.  I could get into racial and ethnic profiling ... but I'd rather be vapid about the whole thing and tell you the truth of where I do it the most: in the car.

So here, in no particular order, are some of my more insightful profiles (guaranteed to offend just about everyone)....

Car Types:

Volvo -- it is really just too easy, but you need to consider older vs. newer. Your older Volvo spews pollutants, is pedestrian-lethal and your dog eats enough grain (to raise the meat) to feed a family in Darfur. And the '60's ended about 40 years ago ... grow up, already.
Toyota -- It is not enough that it works. Lots of cars work. Excrement on wheels. Your Prius ... I'll get to hybrids in a moment.
Honda -- you think you are so clever, don't you? My lawnmower is a Honda, it always starts, too. So is my snowblower. Exclusive!
Chevy -- Was it a brain fart or a conscious effort to support Government Motors? Perhaps an all-nighter on meth? How did you wind up with the keys?
Ford -- You may be on to something .... Or not ....
Mercedes -- They just don't make 'em like they used to. One must sincerely enjoy overpaying for the initial vehicle and then every service until you dump it already. Masochism.
BMW -- You really DO think that you are clever don't you? Entitled and pushy will find your picture above the entry in the dictionary. Too bad your smile will disappear come trade-in time. It really IS possible to lose than much in 3 years.
Jaguar -- Smug is a word ... so are "precipitous" and "depreciation."
Range Rover -- You think Jaguar owners are ignorant. It is easier just lighting $20 bills on your porch. Bring a bucket full of them.
Lexus -- The best car in the world ... isn't it? At least that is what "they" told me ... isn't it? Please? Toto ... this isn't Kansas?
Infiniti -- "I AM the zen-meister. Now get the f**k out of my way." Oh, by the way, your FX45 looks like a fat Gremlin or AMC Pacer. Garth.
Porsche -- Coulda had a Ferrari or anything else I wanted ... even though mine's a basic Boxster, used and abused....
Ferrari -- I CAN have anything I want. Except a car that actually has enough road clearance to use every day. That Porsche weasel seems to have no problems, though ... and he probably has a bigger (one) than I do.
Bentley -- You know that you are an asshole ... what do you want to make of it? What, its a Volkswagen?
Kia -- I am a hamster that likes rap music. 'Nuff said ... yo ...
Hyundai -- I love being frugal. I love my warranty. I love the smell of benzene and cheap plastic. Its just transport, right? I am above that stuff. Uh-huh.
Subarau -- I am the "alternative" ... an eco-warrior lifestyle, hairy legs, a share in P-town.... Check my rainbow sticker. I am against ... you.
Volkswagen -- I am young and cool ... and my car is as reliable as an Italian Communist Union leader on acid. I windsurf, kayak, like cloth seats with holes from burning seeds.
Audi -- It works (except when it decides on an electrical strike) and has as much soul as the IRS. Made by the same folks at VW.

HYBRIDS
We had an eco-warrior nanny once ... nice person, completely dedicated to liberal causes (and dogma) who traded in her work car for a Prius. To save the planet. To get better mileage and reduce dependence on fossil fuel.  Laudable. And rather silly. You see, hybrids also (at least as of then and now) have a heavy reliance on rare-earth metals. Expensive and very dirty to mine, an ecological disaster in the third world countries that produce them. And once produced, they are exceedingly hard to dispose of, requiring specialized technologies and energy intensive processing. In fact, it has been reliably calculated that the dust-to-dust footprint of a Prius compares unfavorably with that of a Ford F-150 truck. That is, the energy required to produce the Prius and then ultimately dispose of it is greater than the savings throughout its life made by the fuel consumption differential. And the energy equation does not even factor in the environmental impact of the Prius versus the Ford (again in the Ford's favor).

The statement "you've got to make a start" or "we need to make a stand somewhere" ... seem faintly ridiculous. To be an eco-warrior you have to first be a villain?

And there is the usage problem. If a hybrid is not used as intended -- stop-and-go city traffic, then the savings become less pronounced. As in maybe "what happened?" Without regeneration, you are simply carrying around a heavy, large battery charging system with some heavy electrical motors. So if you are on the highway, blasting your Chevy Tahoe Hybrid along at 80 mph ... that is, pushing a barn door through the wind ... you are using fossil fuel, and lots of it. You can't get around that.

So, when I see those wonderful Hybrid SUVs ... I wonder what the hell they were thinking of.  If you drive up state to the country a lot, you could have avoided considerable environmental damage simply by buying a real SUV. Even funnier is watching those hybrid cross-overs -- with skinny, no-tread, hi-mileage tires trying to make it through real snow and slush. First time through the "notch" they suddenly discover snow tires and tread....

SUVs
You have to read the story of their "creation" by Ford in the 1990's. They simply couldn't believe people would buy them. And when their focus groups showed that women like being "higher up" but with soft surroundings, they stumbled on the most profitable vehicle ever made: the Explorer. Upsize it -- great! Pimp it out and call it a Lincoln. Better!!  Take a shit-miserable Tahoe, glue some chrome on it and call it an Escalade ... GENIUS!

Take a Wellesley bleach-blond (they are "highlights" - I do NOT "bleach" my hair) behind the wheel of a Toyota Sequoia, add some caffeine from Starbucks, some attitude from the Platinum Card, a tennis racket in the back, 350 hp, serious all-terrain tires ... and you can sit in the school pick-up line with all your friends in duplicate rides, talking about your Thanksgiving in the Islands. Actually, you are headed to the Cape to eat cold bird with your embarrassing Aunt Millie (the one with the mustache who wants to go to school functions, but that would be letting the cat out of the bag about your "heritage").

You don't need an SUV. If you say you do, you are lying.  Somehow, Europe manages just fine without the extra 3000 pounds of steel for similar sized families. Yes, it means that the kids might be in physical contact in the back ... but it you must separate them, buy a mini van. There, I said it. Profile this: I have to have an SUV because I can't stand the notion that I really need a minivan. You see, your life sucks and if you drive a minivan, all the world can see that it sucks. Dad is screwing the secretary (you must call them personal assistants now), your burn rate is impossibly high, your cards are close to maxed out, your oldest son smokes dope and raids your purse -- so to prove that you are someone of substance ... you need a Mercedes GL450 with the chromed running boards. And big bug-sunglasses. And monthly appointments for your "highlights" and nails.  Better tint the windows to make people think that there is someone "important" in there and not just little-old-you. But you were someone once, before you quit to take care of the kids ... you know it! Better put 22s all round. And botox in the kisser. Ever considered getting a hands-free carphone? We know you are too important to waste time driving without multi-tasking ... but that's right, your plan won't accept that on your budget, will it? Just who the hell do you talk to at 7:15 in the morning on the school run? Important people are still asleep or sending their nannies on the school drop off....

I have also noticed a lot of pinkie rings in SUVs. Fat, florid, ex-highschool football stars in their Cadillac Escalades with a gold-tone Emblem on the hood. And why do you insist on wearing so much cologne? You're a pig! Oink! And as hard as you try to affect the wise-guy attitude and look, you actually ARE a plumbing supplies salesman, that is not a "cover" for your bid-ness.

RICE BURNERS
Maybe among the most pathetic. You busted-ass Toyota Corolla will never be a sports car. No matter how much or big the exhaust outlet to stick on it. Lowering to Ferrari height does not make it a Ferrari ... it only makes sure that you scrape the front bumper each time you go to park at the mall in Natick. 

That dark window tint? With the air bubbles which prove that you did it yourself at cousin Jorge's last Fall? Lose it. It is an absolute invitation for the local fuzz to mess with your shit. Just like the neon lights under the car. Its a guarantee that the driver is intoxicated and thinks of himself (no woman, no matter how bimboid would drive one -- except in San Juan) as some tough hombre. So, naturally, tough hombres carry unlicensed weapons. So this is meant to scare us chicken-shit cracker whiteys in our Toyota RAV4s ... and it also invites Criminal Possession of a Weapon for the predicate felon.

Under the tent of rice-burners ... ever noticed that you NEVER see Asians driving anything but Asian cars?  Unless they can come up with some real coin, in which case they drive BMWs or Mercs.

If you really want a sports car for short change -- buy a Soob WRX or Mitsu EVO. They will humiliate the Meister in his Porsche and/or Ferrari ... and do it with 4 people in the car. Beware of WRX drivers: they mean business and can actually do it.

SPECIAL MENTION
Buicks.  Or Oldsmobiles. Or Ford Crown Vics (unless the Police Interceptor version). Anyone who drives an older model of any of these is a threat to your continued existence on the face of this planet. Nobody who is rational has ever bought one of these. Ergo, you can assume that the driver of said crap WILL cut you off. WILL swerve.  WILL run the light. Without fail. Run, hide, avoid.